Did you ever have a conversation turn completely sideways when all you meant to do was address a mundane issue? It happens! Surprisingly, there are some simple techniques we can learn to express ourselves clearly and calmly. Tactics like, I Messages, Aikido style, and paraphrasing are a few ways to improve communication and understanding.
It is very common to use a You Message when expressing a want or need. Take this statement for example, “You let the grass grow too long.” While this may be true, it is a confrontational and accusatory statement. Stating the need to have the grass cut earlier can be done in a more productive way, using I Messages. The previous statement can be reframed as, “I don’t like it when the grass is long.” This I Message takes ownership. Following it up with a solution such as, “Let’s work on agreement to cut it regularly,” can create a positive environment to resolve the issue. Another example of this statement could be, “I feel that you let the grass grow too long.” This is tricky because it is a hidden You Message. Putting “I feel” in front of the statement does not automatically make an I Message. This takes practice and a little thought, but reframing what you want can make a big difference in the outcome.
Aikido style communication models itself after the martial art form. Though this might bring to mind fighting techniques, the philosophy of this discipline is unification and peace. With Aikido, the goal is to find common ground that aligns with the person whom they are disagreeing with. This might be a very small thing or even just acknowledging how the other person feels before stating your side of the story. When a situation can be de-escalated with a declaration of agreement, the discussion takes on a tone of resolution rather than blame and defensiveness.
Summarizing what another person says or what is understood can be a valuable communication tool as well. Too often a conflict arises because words are misinterpreted. Our own opinion, culture, education, or current state of health can affect how we receive communication. Restating what is heard gives the other party an opportunity to affirm or clarify what they have said so that there is solid understanding. This skill can be used by stating “What I hear you saying is…” or “My understanding is…” Taking time to listen and comprehend what is being said is crucial to successful communication.
Everyone wants to be heard and understood. Keeping this thought in mind can be motivation to expand our communication capabilities. Better communication improves all aspects of our lives; family relationships, romantic relationships, business relationships, medical relationships, and caregiving relationships. Making an effort to improve communication is essential to quality of life.
There are three evidence-based programs that contain a piece on communication at CareWell Services Southwest: A Matter of Balance, Diabetes PATH, and Powerful Tools for Caregivers. Knowing how to ask for help, stating needs clearly, talking to medical professionals, and navigating difficult conversations with family members are relevant skills in many different scenarios. The Trualta site, available through CareWell Services, also has many resources that address communication. If you would like to learn more about these workshops and resources, please contact CareWell Services at (269) 966-2450 or email cacker@carewellservices.org.